This is the final week of my big summer giveaway contest. So if you’re looking to win the David Louis Edelman ouevre, it’s your laaaaaaast chance.

Last week, I challenged you to create the dream presidential ticket with one of the current candidates as president and a comic book superhero as veep. I’ve awarded the prize to Yaron Davidson, who feels that a McCain/Kal-el ticket would be a success. (And no, I’m not rewarding Yaron just because he complained about the unfairness of the Americocentric topic last week. He really did have the best entry.)

McCain should pick Superman as his running mate because:
A. America is looking for strong leadership, and who is stronger than the Man of Steel?
B. Shows that he doesn’t have a problem with illegal aliens, as long as they’re polite, useful, don’t want to be paid for their assistance, and look white.
C. The soldiers in Iraq could use the help with the next surge.
D. With his x-ray vision, Superman could help find oil wells on U.S. soil, and then could immediately drill in to test them.

He also had some good reasons why Superman should campaign with Barack Obama. Which apparently makes the Man of Steel some kind of Joseph Lieberman figure.

Obama should pick Superman as his running mate because:
A. He could finally stick to a position against illegal wiretaps. Superman could listen to all the suspicious conversations by himself, and no good liberal would object to letting anyone use his innate ability freely.
B. Shows that Obama really values diversity, and doesn’t just play the race card for political reasons.
C. By flying people and equipment around, Superman could help to drastically cut the oil consumption of the public sector.
D. Superman can blow a lot of cold air, and help delay global warming.

First runner-up in the contest is clearly Sophia Ahmed, who believes that Obama should be doing his terrorist fist bump with Joseph Dredd.

“Vote Dredd/Obama: The Innocent Have Nothing To Fear”. New! For the first time, compliment your democracy with a totalitarian dictatorship. Next time some creep is violating your rights, know that Hope carries a Lawgiver. Judge Dredd is completely unbribable. His knowledge of the Law is complete and exact. Citizens and perps alike will always get justice. Instant results! No lawyer fees! PLUS — Dredd draws potential assassin fire away from the President, because making a successful hit on Dredd would be the crime coup of the millennium, in any reality! Vote Dredd/Obama, and know your country will always be prepared! Extra-dimensional threats a speciality.

This entry came in from Cindy Blank-Edelman. (No relation.) (Except, you know, she’s my sister.)

Clearly, Barack Obama should choose Wonder Woman as his running mate. Not only will this placate the many Hillary Clinton supporters who are threatening to vote for McCain, but it will give him a cool invisible plane to fly around in to make campaign appearances. Also, she has a great patriotic costume.

But Cindy wasn’t the only one who picked up on the Obama/Amazonia meme. Mick Summer believes that Wonder Woman’s lasso would be a great asset (though exactly how it’s going to help with Fox News, I’m not clear).

Barack Obama’s ideal 2008 running mate would be Wonder Woman, not necessarily because she would be America’s first female vice president; nor because it would set a precedent for gender equality in American society; nor because she would make a positive female role model for the whole world as well as America; but primarily because her Magic Lasso, which can make anyone tell the truth, would prove extremely useful in the White House, the Supreme Court, and on CNN and Fox News, in cutting through all the political red tape once-and-for-all, and providing all the truth that American citizens are entitled to. The lasso would also make an excellent (and humane) interrogation tool for use on any commander, official, employer, or other suspect, American as well as otherwise.

Not everybody stayed within the same confines of the mainstream. Stephen Stull writes:

(First Comics’) Badger should join McCain’s ticket. They’d almost surely lose, but Badger would get a nice public opinion boost, since he’d finally get to stand next to someone who made him look sane by comparison.

So endeth week 3.

*

For week 4’s contest — the final contest — I’m going to go back to two sources which (hopefully) should be familiar to everyone reading this blog: Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings. And I’m going to ask you the eternal question that has been boggling my mind since fifth grade:

Who would win a deathmatch smackdown fight: Gandalf or Obi-Wan Kenobi, and why? (Or better yet, how?)

Keep in mind that both white-haired old mentors have a way with a sword/saber. Gandalf’s got the Valar on his side, but Obi-Wan Kenobi’s got the Force on his side. And both of them seem to have a facility for coming back from the dead. So tell me who’s gonna win, and why.

Same contest rules apply as before. Email your response to dedelman@gmail.com with the subject line “Summer Giveaway Contest 4″. Entries are due Sunday, July 27 at 11:59 pm Eastern Time. Contest is open to anyone around the world. Submit as many entries as you like. Winning entry gets:

• One signed copy of the Solaris mass market of Infoquake
• One signed copy of the Pyr trade paperback of MultiReal
• One signed copy of The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction, Volume Two (containing my story “Mathralon”)
• One signed copy of the new Overlook Press edition of Mervyn Peake’s Titus Alone (containing my introduction)

In last week’s contest — week 2 of 4 — I asked you to submit your favorite science fiction parody porno titles. I did indeed get some creative entries, though not as many as I would have liked. (And from many of the same people who entered last week.)

The winner this week is Jim Haley. The title he submitted would never fit on a DVD case, but he scores extra points for hitting Douglas Adams’ entire Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, including “Young Zaphod Plays It Safe”:

The Hooker’s Guide to Servicing Aliens at the Truckstop at the End of the Universe, Avoiding His (Her/Its) Wife, Her Purse, and Everything in It, and Knowing When It’s Time to Say, So Long, You Were a Quite a Dish (with the addendum Young Bods May Not Like to Play It Safe, But They’re Mostly Harmless Anyway)

And if that wasn’t enough, he submitted a number of other good titles, including:

The Unzip My Fly Effect

and

So LONG… But It Smells a Little Like Fish

The closest runner-up was Mike Wolffe, for his fabulous entry:

Butt Pirates of the Perineum: At Girl’s End

(I might have awarded Mike the contest, if I didn’t eliminate him for reasons of nepotism. I’ve actually known Mike since we both stood out in deep right field in a softball game in fifth grade and let fly balls fly by us. Go read Mike’s blog, if you want to see some great photography, deviant humor of the Butt Pirates of the Perineum sort, left-wing politics, general deep thoughts, and lots of Calvin and Hobbes. But I should warn you, this is a guy who still likes Guns N’ Roses.)

As for other runners-up… Stephen Stull came close to the grand prize with an entry that made me grin. Although in the end, I thought Titus Groans was a little too — well, obvious.

GormenghASSED Revisited: Titus Groans… Again.

Dave Crampton submitted a few good entries as well, but the one that really made me giggle was:

Anansi Boys on Boys

Very simple and elegant. Neil Gaiman would be proud.

* * *

For this week’s contest, due to popular request (and due to this blogger wishing to get more contest entries so as to not look foolish), I’m opening up entries to the entire world. Yes, that means you, in Zimbabwe! And you, in Portugal! And you, in the Cayman Islands! Not to mention you, in the United States.

I’m also going to lower the decency bar back down where it belongs, in deference to all of the Internet censors in your foreign countries. In fact, I’m so interested in getting your input that I’m going to let you influence the course of the next U.S. presidential election.

Your task is this: pick a comic book superhero to run as either Barack Obama’s or John McCain’s running mate this fall. And then tell me why said superhero would be an asset to the ticket. You can be funny — or heck, if you can really think of some good, solid reasons why Obama should choose Wolverine as his vice president or McCain should be stumping through Idaho with Nick Fury, I’ll be willing to reward a thoughtful enough entry with the prize.

Example: “John McCain should choose Spider-Man as his running mate in ‘08, because 1) his punchy one-liners could really liven up McCain’s stump speeches, 2) who knows, underneath that costume, Spidey might be a black guy too, and 3) his New York residency might actually help win the state for the GOP.”

Same contest rules apply as before. Email your response to dedelman@gmail.com with the subject line “Summer Giveaway Contest 3″. Entries are due Sunday, July 20 at 11:59 pm Eastern Time. Submit as many entries as you like. Winning entry gets:

• One signed copy of the Solaris mass market of Infoquake
• One signed copy of the Pyr trade paperback of MultiReal
• One signed copy of The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction, Volume Two (containing my story “Mathralon”)
• One signed copy of the new Overlook Press edition of Mervyn Peake’s Titus Alone (containing my introduction)

In last week’s contest, I asked for unpublishable blurbs for my novels, and you did not disappoint. I’m now ready to declare a winner. That winner? Frank Schiavo. Mr. Schiavo submitted this unpublishable (and borderline unbloggable) blurb:

“MultiReal is the biggest and best thing I’ve held in my hands this year. It is filled with a white-hot explosion of goodness that literally comes up from every page in a burst of salty yet sweet power. An earth-shaking winner that will be stiff competition for awards come next season and that I’m sure to tell all my friends to strap on and try out for themselves.”
– Award-winning actress & author Tera Patrick

I thought this blurb was hilarious even before I had any idea who Tera Patrick was. Then I Googled the name and discovered that this woman on the right is Tera Patrick, star of such films as Teradise Island and Asian Street Hookers 6. (Perhaps I might have recognized her if I hadn’t stopped watching the series after the disappointing Asian Street Hookers 4: Electric Boogaloo.) Even more amusing was the fact that Frank sent this blurb from his work email at a law firm in New Orleans, complete with ridiculous law firm confidentiality disclaimer in the footer.

Such shameless and enterprising genius has earned Mr. Schiavo a copy of the Complete David Louis Edelman Canon, consisting of:

• One copy of the Solaris mass market of Infoquake
• One copy of the Pyr trade paperback of MultiReal
• One copy of The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction, Volume Two (containing my story “Mathralon”)
• One copy of the new Overlook Press edition of Mervyn Peake’s Titus Alone (containing my introduction)

I will say that Mr. Schiavo did have some tough competition. I thought the best runner-up was this clearly well-thought-out blurb, submitted by Mick Summer:

“MultiReal is tonight’s word! Have the literati snobs left yet? Just for us sci-fi readers, MultiReal is real meat for hard science fans! David Louis Edelman’s godless, liberal future cleverly masks an explosive expose of today’s mediascape, with truthiness and balls by the spadefull. Get MultiReal! Don’t forget Infoquake, the prequel. For a two-patty brain-shaking read, get the pair! MultiReal — and so can you!”
– Stephen Colbert

In a similar pseudo-political vein was this one, submitted by David Crampton:

“MultiReal? Liberal propaganda! Everyone knows there’s only one real! More than one real is un-American! This Edelman character is probably terrorist fist-bumping with sleeper cells! Now, I’m not saying that he’s a criminal, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up in Gitmo! How many reals will he have then, huh? What do you mean, did I read the book?”
– Bill O’Reilly

There were even some good quick one-liners, like this one from Steven Klotz:

“Forget steak. I’d go Judas on Neo’s ass for just a glance at MultiReal.”
– Cypher

Jim Haley put a smile on my face with this twofer from James T. Kirk. The ellipses are a nice touch.

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 07032008. Bones gave me a… copy of this… MultiReal book and I just… can’t seem to put it down. Not even an… Orion slave girl could… tempt me away.”
– James T. Kirk

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 07032008.1. As it turns out… a Orion slave girl… COULD drag me away. But not for long.”
– James T. Kirk

Overall, a very nice batch indeed — and there were more worthy entries than those I published here. Thanks to all who entered.

* * *

As for the approximately 6 billion people out there who are not Frank Schiavo… here’s your next chance to win the complete DLE canon.

This week’s contest: inspired by Frank Schiavo (and Tera Patrick), I want to see the best science fiction or fantasy-related porno parody title. You know, like:

• Star Whores III: Revenge of the Tits
• Rod Emperor of Dooin’
• J.R.R. Pokien’s The SeeMoreJillian
• MultiFeel: Book 2 of the Hump 269 Trilogy

Bonus points if you stay away from the old stand-bys. I mean, come on, we’ve all thought of a million porno parody titles for The Lord of the Rings and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by now. Let’s see some good porno parody titles for really uber mega geeky works that only a confirmed SF/F addict would recognize. Where are the parody titles for C.J. Cherryh’s The Pride of Chanur? Or Philip K. Dick’s Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said? Norman Spinrad’s Bug Jack Barron?

Submit as many titles as you want. I’ll be picking the winner based on the single best title. Once again, you’ll be competing for the four books you see here. Deadline is Sunday, July 13 at 11:59 pm Eastern Time.

Submit entries via email to dedelman@gmail.com, with “Summer Giveaway Contest 2″ in the subject line. (Really, use that subject line. I had to fish a couple entries out of the spam filter last time. Having a subject line to look for really helps.)

“The Summer of Jump 225″ is here! Or at least, I’m declaring it “The Summer of Jump 225,” because I really want people to buy the books from my Jump 225 trilogy this summer. Towards that end, I’m starting a four-week-long Jumbo Mega-Bonanza Giveaway contest.

Here’s how it works. Every week for the next four weeks, I’m going to hold a contest here on my blog. You, the anonymous denizens of the Internet, will send me your contest entries. And every week, I’m going to pick one winning entry who will win the stack of books pictured to the right, namely:

• One copy of the Solaris edition of Infoquake
• One copy of the Pyr edition of MultiReal
• One copy of The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction, Volume Two (containing my story “Mathralon”)
• One copy of Overlook Press’ new edition of Mervyn Peake’s Titus Alone (containing my introduction to the book)

Yes, that’s right: I’m giving away four sets of four books each. That’s a total of… uh… hold on, let me dig out my calculator… forty-two sixteen books! And not only that, but you’re winning the entire David Louis Edelman ouevre to date. The “DLE Canon,” as it were.

So here’s the first contest.

You may be aware that I’ve gotten some nice advance blurbs from authors. Kate Elliott said that Infoquake was “inventive and provocative, with a surprisingly emotional kick.” Peter Watts called MultiReal “a thoroughly-successful hybrid of Neuromancer and Wall Street.”

But did you know that there were a number of author and celebrity endorsements that my publisher decided to turn down? For instance, President George W. Bush weighed in on Infoquake with this advance blurb:

“David Louie Eldermint’s Info-Quake just might be a weapon of mass destruction all by itself. If Eldermint was out to eliminate all my free time trying to finish his book, then mission accomplished! All I can say is, heckuva job, Davey!” — George W. Bush, Presimadent of the US of A

Pyr wisely decided that they didn’t want to publish an endorsement from such a controversial public figure. Likewise, they turned down this one from DNC Chairman Howard Dean:

“Edelman’s gonna sell books in Borders! And then he’s gonna sell books in Barnes & Noble! And then he’s going on to Books-a-Million, Waterstone’s, Powell’s, Waldenbooks, and B. Dalton… AND ALL THE WAY TO WAL-MART! YEEEEEEEEHAAAGH!” — Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee

I can understand why my publisher decided to turn down blurbs from such political figures as Bush and Dean. You don’t want to go around alienating half of your potential audience. But why would they have turned down this perfectly acceptable blurb from lovable ol’ Jar-Jar Binks?

“Meesa bustin’ with happiness at readin’ dis-a book, MultiReal! My afraid that my not been reading such good tings for a long ol’ time! Infinito possibiliteez is only a state in da mind, indeed!” — Jar-Jar Binks, Irritating Orange Asshole

So your mission for this week is: email me some more blurbs that were too controversial to print on the jackets of my books at dedelman@gmail.com. Whoever submits the best, funniest, most offensive, most shocking, or just plain weirdest blurb between now and 11:59 PM Eastern time on Sunday, June 6 will win the complete David Louis Edelman book set. Put “Summer Giveaway Contest 1″ in the subject line so I know what you’re emailing me about.

You can enter as many times as you see fit, but you can only win one set of books. I’ll be the sole judge, jury, and executioner (but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that). I’ll post the best blurbs here on the blog. Unfortunately, due to the prohibitive cost of shipping, I’m going to limit this contest to the United States and Canada.

(And no, in case you’re wondering, I’m not going to use your email for nefarious marketing purposes. Unless, I suppose, you count this contest as a nefarious marketing purpose, which is fair.)

Ready? Go!

Pat’s Fantasy Hotlist, the fine SF review website that brought you the recent Infoquake giveaway — not to mention the fine SF review website that recently called said book “one of the very best science fiction debuts I have ever read” — is now giving away three copies of MultiReal. All you have to do to enter is go to the website and send an email to the guys running the giveaway contest.

But better yet — if you haven’t yet read book 1 of the Jump 225 Trilogy, Infoquake, Pyr will throw in a copy of that book as well. Go! Enter! Encourage these people to pay me lots of attention and thus encourage more sales.

And if that’s not excuse enough for me to dust off the ol’ Adobe Photoshop and stick a copy of MultiReal in a sleazy used car salesman’s hand, I don’t know what is.

I may be posting this too late… but I discovered the other day that Pat’s Fantasy Hotlist is giving away five copies of the Solaris mass market paperback of Infoquake. Read the entry on the website for more information about how to enter. There’s no information about when the contest ends, so you’d better hustle over there if you’re hoping to win one.

Pat has promised a review of Infoquake in the coming days, but in the meantime he has this to say: “I’m more than halfway through the novel, and it’s a terrific read thus far! Edelman has been nominated for the second time for the John W. Campbell Award, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wins it this year.” (Actually, it’s my first nomination for the Best New Writer Campbell, but who’s counting?)